Thriving The Holidays: Family Dynamics, Boundaries & Keeping The JOY

Tips and ideas for setting boundaries during the holidays and navigating family dynamics.

It's Christmas, your entire family is crammed into one house. Kids have been uprooted from their beds for guests, it's cold outside and you have been cleaning up after your guests nonstop. Truthfully, you want to scream. Kids are off their schedules, everyone is pushing each other's buttons and you are feeling more like a full-time restaurant and maid service. HAPPY HOLIDAYS??? I come from a larger family and in different parts of my life, I have been the out-of-town guest that was awkwardly shoved at the kid's table because I was single...and boy did I deserve that. As I got older, I learned to navigate out-of-town guests or how to travel with tiny humans during the holiday season. Family dynamics can make any scenario stressful. Here are some ways to set yourself up for success and avoid common pitfalls that steal JOY from Christmas and Thanksgiving.

Out-of-Town Guests

We all have guests that like to overstay their welcome - "Plane tickets are high! I'll just stay an extra day or two. Can you borrow two car seats from someone so I don't have to travel with them?" I have heard it all. For starters, if hosting out-of-town guests clearly communicate the max amount of time they are, in fact, "welcome." Look into the mirror and practice these phrases:

• I am so glad you can join us for Christmas. Max and Sarah start school back up on January 2nd and it works best if they are back on their routine before returning.

• We are trying to keep guests at 4 nights max this year.

• What activities and traditions are most important to you so that we can maximize your time at our home?

These statements will help set a boundary and expectations up front while also allowing you to discover what's most important for visiting guests.

If multiple family members are traveling from different places, it could mean multiple airport trips during the busiest season. Repeat after me...

• I am so glad you are traveling to us this year, I appreciate it. Jane and Eric arrive on Tuesday at Noon. Are there any flights from Tampa that get in at the same time?

• It seems like you have a busy itinerary, are you renting a car, or maybe you and the Smiths could share to keep costs down?

• I can't wait to see everyone. I can pick everyone up between 9 am and 1 pm, after that it will be hard with school schedules.

Does the idea of even having guests in your house during the holidays stress you out? Be upfront and set overnight boundaries and expectations as well:

• We would love to spend Thanksgiving with you. We love our home but the space doesn't allow for extra guests at night.

• Can I help you find a hotel that would meet your needs?

• I wish we could accommodate everyone this year, but Jessica just had a baby and between late nights breastfeeding it doesn't make sense to have a full house where no one is getting sleep. Don't worry you will get to see the baby without being up all night.

• We've heard of some good recommendations for affordable hotel options within 5 miles, let me send them over to you.

Gifts

You might also need to set boundaries on gifts. Everyone wants to buy *that* hit gift. Sadly, the truth is, that after a day or week, it will lose its luster and it will just be one more toy you have to find a place to store (hence our storage room coined the toy graveyard).

For setting gift boundaries try phrases such as:

• I know a giant talking robot would be a hit and Tommy would absolutely love it, but he is honestly at an age where he is not going to miss the extra gift. What would be helpful is a contribution to his 529, or he really needs snow boots.

• If you want to pick something out, he needs a new backpack and is into Sonic and Paw Patrol right now.

I know a lot of people who truly enjoy giving gifts and you don't want to take that away from them. Adding choice can sometimes make both parties happier.

What about the passive-aggressive gift giver? Family finds all sorts of creative ways to shame your parenting choices, so why would they stop at gifts? Imagine your kids opening tablets on Christmas from Grandma and Grandpa when you are a tablet-free home. The kids are excited, but what about Mom and Dad? Do they return it and upset their kids? Are they now stuck managing it day to day? You must first set these boundaries so that when crossed the conversation is less emotional.

• Mom and Dad, I know you have made several joking comments about getting the kids tablets this Christmas. I would ask that you respect that we do not have them in our home.

While that boundary should be enough, sometimes the audience needs more.

• We really struggle with Addison focusing on her homework after school, and it would be one more distraction that would make it hard for us to manage. At this time this is not a power struggle we want to introduce. She could use a chrome book for school. She would be just as excited about that and it would help with her school.

Sometimes communicating a comparable alternative is all you need.

In the end, just remember that no means no and yes means yes...and then stick to it.

In-town Chaos (Over Indulgers & Logistics)

My number one piece of advice is ALWAYS KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE...make boundaries and adjust accordingly.

Drunk Uncle and Tipsy Titi can be a blast...until they are not. Assign them a task that keeps their hands off the glass. Minutes add up on long holidays. When I was in my early twenties, I used to do my niece's make-up or hair. Even if this only took an hour, it was one less hour of me potentially sloshing red wine all over my sisters' carpet (I gave Stanley Steamer a lot of business).

Is Mom hitting the holiday punch too hard? Give her a small task she might like that does not feel too overwhelming, like setting the table. Nostalgia is also your friend. Got old photo albums from previous holidays? Flipping through these albums usually requires two hands and also sparks conversations about happy holiday memories.

Uncle and Grandpa always make great potato peelers. They can still watch that football game while doing something helpful and you guessed it...requires two hands.

Need a long play? Assign someone to the Elf on the Shelf. Between the research for the best idea and actually executing it, this kills time at various parts of the day.

NEED ELF IDEAS?

• YES
• NO

If distractions aren't enough, set a clear boundary.

• We have a long day ahead, we do not plan on bringing out the alcohol until one hour before dinner.

It's also great when you can shift blame to technology. It feels less like a target for someone's drinking.

• This year, as something special, I have gotten us a great bottle of wine. The wine is best if decanted for an hour. Let's enjoy it when we sit down to dinner.

Maybe boozy guests aren't your problem, maybe it's the level of commitment the guests expect? Be clear on what you are hosting and what you plan to attend.

• I would love to have everyone over for an early Christmas Dinner, but our morning will be spent opening gifts from Santa as a family.

• We have to attend mass on Christmas Eve, you are welcome to join us. We could also stop by for dessert after if you would like to see them in their Sunday bests.

Finally, the splitting of time between your own parents and your in-laws can be hard to navigate. I hate feeling like a traveling caravan from house to house during the holidays, especially with young kids. Reminding family that family is a web is not always a bad thing.

• This year we are spending Thanksgiving at The Miller's. I wish we could be at both places but it is just not possible this year. Let's start brainstorming Christmas at your house, I know everyone is looking forward to that.

Do not minimize feelings, explain the situation. They may just be trying to avoid loneliness during the holiday.

REMEMBER! The Holidays are stressful enough, set boundaries and avoid stress where you can. These should be joyful times and joyful does not mean accommodating everyone else's needs.